Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Lube but for my dry humor.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.