I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus