Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.