I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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Snack for election night!
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?