I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind