I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
White Castle for the Win
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.