Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

When you don’t understand how floors work

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.