Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

[adds another nod to the conversation]

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Hank is one in a melon.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.