Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Yes, this is exactly right

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.