Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…