I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no