Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

God has left this place

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point