I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.