Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb