I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You Might Also Like
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
WTF
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel