I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay