I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.