I’m not lazy
You Might Also Like
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.