I’m not lazy
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Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
😭😭
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.