I’m not lazy
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy