I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link