I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.