Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself