I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.