I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
as the prophecy foretold
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.