I’m not lazy
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.