I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
me adding lol on a serious message
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge