I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.