I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them