“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
You Might Also Like
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that