“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.