“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes