“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Kermit goes Blue.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
