Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.