Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

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