Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

i baked you a cake

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?