“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.