“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Oh thanks BBC.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”