I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
when mom throws a party…
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
