Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

If snakes were wide

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…