I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign