I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Found the job I’m suited for
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
what does he know…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government