Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.