I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
2024 has been a rough few years
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
those birds must be on payroll
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.