Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.