Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

We need it on priority

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.