“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Pandas 🐼🖤
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]