“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The first matador
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Living the best life.. 😊
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals