@whatmaddness

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

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@courtneyno

The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.

@snotnboogers23

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

@capnwatsisname

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

@SpenceDen

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@crayan9

Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

@liv_thatsme

Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.