“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

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The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.


Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.


Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.


*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.


My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.


Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!


Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit


Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk


Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.