Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!