“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough