“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives