Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Home #decor warning.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.