“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.