I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”