I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.