Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Ovenable?

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

Selfie

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies