Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.