Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

These are my emotional support Pringles.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.