Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it