Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

felt cute might bury dad later idk

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.