Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.