I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Sign at work today
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered