I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.