I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
You Might Also Like
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine