Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.