Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

By Kate Hatos

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*