I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You Might Also Like
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
i’m gonna allow it
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*eats only grass-fed donuts