I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.