Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

scares

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.