Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.