Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time