Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

how much for the angry fruit?

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.