I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I don’t make the rules sorry
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better