I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You Might Also Like
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao