I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?