I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea