I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
He-man has a Masters degree
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.